Meat thermometers always struck me as pretentious devices reserved for TV chefs and home cooks who know a great deal less than they pretend to about pot roasts and pork tenderloin. Experience with a meat thermometer is limited for most people to Thanksgiving Day, and only then if the store bought turkey roasting in their oven has one pre-jammed down its breast, ready to pop when the bird is done. But an enterprising woman in Lancaster California, and her two male friends, have discovered a new use for this kitchen device. Ends up a meat thermometer can test the temperature of a man’s neck as easily as a bird’s leg, especially when that man is complaining in a movie theater about your friend gabbing on her cell phone during the film.
What we have here is a failure to communicate. Some poor guy went to his local cinema, shelled out money for a ticket, probably got gouged for a tub of popcorn and a soft drink, and sat down ready to forget his miserable life for a couple hours. And what does he get? An annoying woman interrupting his day off, talking on her cell during the film. So what does he do? Complain. He had the courage to do what others in the theater were probably thinking. But like lemmings everyone else sat there quietly, accepting the annoying behavior without a word, while he acted. End result, women on phone leaves, her two male friends return, plant meat thermometer in man’s neck. I’m sure the victim was boiling when he complained about her rudeness, but by the time his attackers returned his temperature had probably returned to normal.
Of course, what really intrigues me about this story is where these movie theater miscreants got a meat thermometer in the first place. Excuse me for stereotyping, but the type of person who would jam a meat thermometer into another man’s neck at the local cinema doesn’t strike me as the type of person who would own a meat thermometer in the first place. Besides how many people do you know who walk around with meat thermometers, or keep one handy in their car? Did I miss something? Are meat thermometers the new must-have personal implement?
The attacking duo remain at large. But thankfully all is not lost. A wanted poster is making rounds with likenesses of the two suspects. A darkened theater may not be ideal for witnesses to get a good look at the accused, but the artist’s sketch seems familiar nonetheless. It depicts two men, one red-headed with freckles, the other sporting a ponytail, barrel chest and clogs. So if you see Bobby Flay and Mario Batali strolling down the street anytime soon, keep your distance and (depending on your sympathies) call the authorities, or let them know they’re wanted men.
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